I Look Death In The Eye

I look Death in the eye
again
say I’m frightened
but ok.

No
He says
and leaves me to my plight.

I see madmen come to slaughter me in my bed

feel my pulse throb
pound
my heart
the muscles in my throat close out my breath

too much medication
I think
adverse interaction
anaphylactic
overdose
the end.

But no
He says
not now not yet
and leaves me to my imagination.

I see old friends
long-loved and longer-missed
reach out to welcome me
and yearn for their embrace
accepting death at long last due
in exchange for love at long last revived.

But no
no
He says
you
have not finished.

I have
I say
done everything I can
I say.

No
He says
think again
and leaves me to my phantoms.

Dead friends beckon
their outstretched arms a knowing welcome
their luminous expressions the unconditional gaze of grace
old wounds
too insignificant now to matter
now
in the Face of Death
now
for me
in whose Life nothing is so vivid as their absence
me
The Standard Bearer of Isolation
and them
The Proof of Life.

They beckon me to cross the line.

But no
no
He says
it is not your time.

Deeper and deeper I sink
into illness
isolation
medication
no one calls
knocks at my door
remembers
no one but the dead
for whom there is now only Eternal Now
and nothing to remember.

But I remember them.

I remember love.

I remember that without them I would not have lived
nor have anyone to remember.

Death is right
I am still too caught in Life’s web
even if only in the brilliance of its form
I am still too dazzled by its cunning.

I look Death in the eye
again
see
my own eyes looking back at me in the reflection.

We smile.

I see His dark lips smiling
as I see myself smiling in his eyes.

We are radiant.

There is no line to cross.