King's Cabinet

I live in splendor
penniless
without an asset to my name
in a home that looks like a palace
in rooms that look like a king’s

the furnishings
art
accomplishments

I wear them all like badges
medals
testaments of things.

I hide behind the beauty
it looks good
I look well
how could anyone know what I feel.

I have lived a life of privilege and success
working hard for both without believing either

losing friends as easily as children lose toys
losing love
careers
lives
as though it didn’t matter
as though they were toys.

How many times can you walk out on yourself
and watch
and then see
and bare the remorse
and suffer the humiliation
and swear never to do it again
and believe your oath
and know you have learned
and think you have changed
and watch yourself do it again.

How do you watch your self disappear?

Try to believe
they say
even though there is no evidence

stay on the cross
they say

the surest sign of maturity is the ability to postpone gratification.

I hid behind others
their status and prestige
pretending what was theirs was mine

I thought it would rub off

I thought
if I live this life they live
it must be my own

but when they walked away
as they always did
I was still pretending
living in homes that look like palaces
in rooms that look like a king’s.